Excerpts from SKIN Confessions Book:
CHAPTER 1: Derma Speaks As Your Skin
It’s about time you came around. I’ve been trying to talk to you since you were born, and every time you shut me out. So this time I hired (more like black-mailed) this so-called author, Suhein Beck, to get through to you with this little SKIN Confessions Book. She can’t refuse me or edit me out or make nice with my words this time. Trust me on this…she can’t clean up what I have to say because I’ve got the dirt on her too, and I’ll just throw her under the bus if I have to, and I probably will at some point in a few chapters, because I’ve caught her being a hypocrite with some of her own bad habits, like very warm showers. So this is the way it’s gonna go down. It’s gonna get real.
Hi. I’m your skin. I’ve been dying to talk to you like this, just us, one on one. Literally dying. It’s not just you – seriously the whole world is flippin’ on me, yet I’ve got some serious answers, but everyone just brushes me aside like some middle child with freckles. Personally, I think freckles are adorable, and if you only knew the story behind them, you’d appreciate them and me so much more. But whatever!
I’ve had your back, and I’ve been protecting you from before you were born, so it’s not like I’m trying to sell you something or get you on some new kick. I’ve seen you butt naked and I’ve seen you try and fake everyone out, it’s like you’re ashamed of me. When you’re angry you take it out on me, you scratch the h*ll out of me or you cover me up with some cheap products that just make me angrier. Look…you’re not going to win against me. I know you better than you know yourself, so can I just put this out there once and for all?
One – I don’t hate you.
Two – you don’t love me enough.
Three – if you really knew me, you’d respect me more and that’s what I really crave more than anything.
That’s it. If we can fix this relationship maybe we can, oh…I don’t know, maybe not tear each other apart? I get it – you feel trapped inside of me. Well, that’s exactly how I feel with you too, except I’m bursting at the seams. Look, I’ll call a truce here…Since you’re not a snake, and I can’t just shed myself away from you like I wanted to so many times before, I guess I’m here to stay. No – I meant to say I. Am. Here. For. You. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound so angry. Thank you for sitting down and listening to me now, finally…it means a lot.
Let’s start by not blaming each other anymore, okay? The more I think about it, I have to admit, you didn’t even know half the time that what you were doing was wrong. The other half of time, the schmazzled-up world was messing with you and didn’t give you a chance. So I’m gonna start with them.
When you were born, you had the sweetest new-baby smell. It was so delicious, it made everyone want to eat you up and kiss and snuggle and munch on your toes. But then the wonderfully smart people at Johnson & Johnson showed up in 1894 and convinced everyone that your smell wasn’t good enough and that they had a better new-baby smell than your natural one. They loaded up their famous J & J Baby Powder with fragrance and forever changed what we knew as the official new-baby smell! Now there are even actual car and home fragrances with “baby smell.” How cute is that?!?
The base of that powder was talcum powder, which when used carefully, is an excellent magnesium-type of mineral in very small levels for certain medicinal usages. But when sprinkled on a baby’s genitals daily, or in your case, what seemed like a thousand times a day with every diaper change, that talcum powder can easily absorb back into the interior reproductive system of girls. So do the math. One no-no is synthetic fragrance uploading into the baby girl’s reproductive plumbing lines. Second no-no is talc which is like…hmmm let me simplify this…like asbestos to the lungs or like cotton candy to the nose. Do you get the picture yet? It’s like freeze drying internal organs with a powder designed to dehydrate an area. Hello, Disaster – I’ve been waiting for you!
So that’s kind of where I’m going with this. You were an innocent victim too. I swear I was fighting for you, even back then! You’ve got to believe me…like I totally remember I rebelled like a boss against them. Your pH in that delicate area is so amazingly complex that I’m constantly working to rebalance. But when you were a baby, they wouldn’t stop sprinkling those lovely new-baby white powdered snowflakes from hell all over your bottom.
One day – I just blew up in their faces and erupted into a mean diaper rash. I swear it was like yesterday when you’d cry and cry and get fussy and they didn’t know why, and I’d be like, see? See me now? Make them stop with that white powder…eventually, they did, and they calmed me down with some awesome zinc oxide and I’m pretty sure there was some vitamin D and a lot of air, we all just took a break…Some basic pure cornstarch and you were fine after that. I just needed time to get over being suffocated every freakin’ day with all those synthetic ingredients over and over again. Oh and those baby wipes…do not even get me started on those. (I’ll tell you how and why I hate them so much later.)
I mean everyone’s got their limits, right? Well, my limits are clearly defined in this book and it is what I’d like to introduce to the world as the “Skin Burden Threshold” TM. I keep repeating myself, and I was so tired trying to do my job with your pH. And you? You would never go to sleep, and you were peeing all the time, but they kept messing with my mind and my mathematic calculations trying to rebalance everything down there for you. Yes. I do math and I’m a grand freaking genius at it. I’ll prove it later to you. Anyway, I’m really sorry about that and maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Before I go on, please just tell me you do believe that I was fighting for you, not against you, right? I mean you were a really cute baby, why would I intentionally mess with you back then?
Okay, one more thing I’ve got to get off my chest. Technically it’s your chest, I know I’m just the skin, but before we change the subject, that company? J & J? Yeah, they kind of did something else that was evil if you ask me. In 1953, they marketed the very first baby shampoo. The idea was sure to be a hit. Can you say Ka-ching Baby?!? They had previously tested the chemicals on prisoners right here in the United States. It was cheaper than using chimpanzees! Despite public ethics groups and government regulations, J & J and their subsidiary companies continued that practice. They are still lobbying hard to keep doing that.
But when they tested it on some prisoners, it made their eyes sting. So they knew it could be a problem for the mothers who noticed that. But since babies can’t speak and explain exactly what was bothering them, the little witness could not be taken seriously. So J & J devised a really cool, pre-emptive counter-punch marketing strategy BEFORE they hit the market. It was called, “No More Tears “ and that would convince the mothers that it could not possibly be the shampoo, after all, this was the specially designed, gentle “No More Tears” shampoo! Television was new and oh-so-powerful back then and it had an air of credibility that no one questioned.
Fortunately, only 1-2 generations enjoyed the rub-a-dub-dub experiences of J & J. After quite a few hefty lawsuits, J & J have since removed that infamous Quaternium-15 chemical preservative that kills bacteria by releasing formaldehyde, a known carcinogen. You’ll be fine. It’s not like they replaced it with Phenoxyethanol, another suspected doozy. Oh wait…they did. Hey – good luck with that. The FDA hasn’t forbidden it yet, but it’s not like it’s a secret that Phenoxyethanol is a preservative that is primarily used in cosmetics and medications that can depress the central nervous system and may cause vomiting and diarrhea. That should be interesting, right?
Your immune system has had plenty of time to forget that traumatic childhood experience. Oh wait…I totally forgot – you used to get sick all the time and you were given Children’s Tylenol & Motrin like….all the time which just happens to be manufactured by guess who? Yes J & J! You do know how many recalls they’ve had right? Just in 2010 alone, J & J had four recalls of 136 million bottles of infant and children’s Tylenol, Benadryl and Zyrtec. Even large plastic particles were found in 200,000 bottles of Motrin Infant Drops in 2013.
Oh, and that one time where they should have done a recall, but instead did this undercover mission by hiring independent contractors to go to all the stores and buy out 88,000 jars off the shelves so they didn’t have another recall on their long history of recalls database! But one of the “undercover buyers” accidentally dropped the piece of paper detailing the secret instructions in one of the stores in Oregon and it was found by the store manager and reported it to the FDA! Dang…that must have hurt!
Actual instructions on the note left behind by an “undercover shopper”:
“…you should simply “act” like a regular customer while making these purchases. THERE MUST BE NO MENTION OF THIS BEING A RECALL OF THE PRODUCT! If asked, simply state that your employer is checking the distribution chain of this product and needs to have some of it purchased for the project.”
That’s a whole other chapter I have to squeeze in this SKIN Confessions book about your how your immune system was messed around with at an early age and that may be why it’s so cray-cray now. Oops my bad…listen I think we need to just take a breath here. There’s so much you need to know, and I just didn’t want to be the tattle-tale for every little thing they were doing to you back then. But it’s time you knew the real story behind the history of your skin and what you are up against now…